Tom Sherrington

Out of the darkness.

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In the last couple of weeks I’ve started to feel that I’m emerging from a dark tunnel. There is light! I’m not sure exactly where the tracks are leading to but, right now, I don’t really mind. There are plenty of new possibilities and I’m up for finding out.   At the moment I can’t imagine going back to being a Headteacher – or even working in a school at all.   A bubble of self-belief has burst… something I may never get back. Time will tell.

I wanted to write this to record something about the dark period; it’s part of the process of leaving it behind.  It feels like a good time now for a couple of reasons.  The formal inspection complaints process reached its final Kafka-esque conclusion only recently – it takes that long.  They don’t concede much, if anything.  I’m not going to discuss it but happily I’ve handed on my issues with what was an utterly brutal, heavily flawed process to the fabulous people at ASCL to inform their broader discussions.  Even though I feel a residual sense of injustice, there’s plenty of things that can’t be defended and it would be too damaging to all parties to rehearse all the issues publicly.  Everyone else has probably moved on; water under the bridge.  (There are lots of lovely people that I miss and never said goodbye to, staff and students.. which I’m sad about.)

More importantly, I’m also delighted that my former Deputy has now been appointed to my old job on a permanent basis – a hugely talented, generous-spirited  person with interpersonal skills on a level I never had; someone everyone trusts and respects.  I know she’ll be brilliant.  We met up to celebrate her success and that’s helping me to move on.

My main reflections from the whole process of failing an inspection and ending up under the proverbial bus, is that the worst part wasn’t how it ended; it was the time leading up to it.  Without realising it, I was living on the edge in the most ridiculously unsustainable manner.  From the moment our results came out in August, it felt that nothing went our way, and I was on a downward spiral, losing my grip, losing sleep, losing perspective; losing my mind.  Perversely, the continual anticipation of a difficult inspection created a climate where that was almost inevitable.

Looking back, I needed to step back, take stock and bring in some real expertise on some critical issues.  Literally nobody had answers to some of our more pressing questions. There were too many critics; too many well-intentioned amateurs; not enough real experts.  Our system or culture – or both – don’t seem to allow the figurehead, overpaid Headteacher to raise a flag; to say  ‘I’m struggling here!’  Or to take a stand and say things shouldn’t be this hard; give us a break.  At a time of great uncertainty within the accountability system – P8, new GCSEs, the bell-curve cage – people wanted certainty I couldn’t give, the pressure just grew and grew and I started to malfunction.  I’ll put my hand up to that;  I’m genuinely sorry that I didn’t do better.

One day, about three weeks before our inspection, after a difficult meeting, I got off the bus at the top of the hill near my house and just broke down.  I stood there in the dark, in the drizzling rain, leaned against a fence and cried.  I felt so isolated, trapped, drowning… tired; so deeply drained and tired.  As ever, you don’t want to take all this shit home – so you bottle it  – until it forces its way to the surface.  Brave face at work; brave face at home – with just the occasional release.

In retrospect, I was doing too much and absorbing too much; I was starting to feel like a punchbag, trying to meet too many disparate demands but not fully delivering on many.  My whole team was experiencing the same issues as me and, whilst we held each other together on a personal level,  I wasn’t leading them in the way I could have been. It would have been easier if I didn’t feel as if I had a gun to my head the whole time, but I should have stripped a few things back and been more ruthless where failings were emerging.   But you can’t re-run the past.  The pressure makes you drop a few balls, make some bad calls and pull back from taking some necessary decisions.   I wish I’d been given more time. I wish I’d had the perspective to realise that this situation wasn’t normal; that I needed more help. A mentor, a coach – someone neutral with the expertise to guide me.  If work makes you cry – that is stress! You need to get help…. I didn’t recognise it, so I didn’t.

In the first few days after leaving I went walking.  Every day for a week or so, I put my boots on and walked.  Mental health walks.  I walked from my house to the South Bank via Primrose Hill and all the way back.  I walked through all the woods around North London for hours and hours.  Weeks went by and then I decided to act normal and look forward, putting on a brave face again.   My consultancy work has been life-saving; something to do, gaining back a bit of confidence, feeling like you’ve got something to offer.  I’m enjoying it, meeting great people across the country.

Of course, it’s a mistake to project all your angst onto others.  Everyone means well.  Everyone wants the best for the children – especially their own.  Having crashed out, I’ve spent more time on introspective self-flagellation  than on blaming others by far.  You feel that you’ve failed; that you are a failure.  You feel like a fraud, that you’ve let everyone down, that you shouldn’t have done this and that and should have done more of the other.  Regrets? Oh yes, just a few!  Anything good I ever did feels like it’s been shredded, tarnished if not erased…. and that is hard to reverse. It means a lot when colleagues and parents remind me of things we were doing right – but ultimately, whatever we tried wasn’t enough.

I can’t help thinking that things shouldn’t be this way.  I can’t think of any other national education system which treats people who’ve given their professional lives to the job in this way; scapegoating individuals for what should be seen as collective system issues.  Even if it were true that I was a terrible, inadequate school leader, I don’t think the system should have pushed me so close to the edge.  It’s pretty f**ked up if you ask me.  I don’t say that lightly.   And I’m one of hundreds.  One of the problems is that the public scrutiny is so intense that it makes you want to hide away.  That is why so many people disappear from our system without trace and we don’t hear their stories.  I’ve decided not to hide – partly because I need to work but also because I don’t think I should have to.  We’re cowed into silence all too easily, forced into a role of being disgraced; a role we shouldn’t accept.

There have been lots of positive things that have helped to move beyond the dark tunnel to the light at the end.  One has been discovering that there are other ways to live and work.  I’m busy, albeit earning a lot less, working with lots of interesting people, writing and presenting ideas to people, without any of the stress.  I’m nobody’s punchbag anymore.  I have a super-healthy work-life balance; most days I get up when I want; I make dinner for the family; I read; I meet friends for lunch.   The other has been the overwhelming level of public and private support from the twitter community and my colleagues, recent and distant past – as well as my family and friends.  I’ve been carried on a wave of love and support that I had no right to expect.  I’ve been lucky.

So – it is time to move on properly now.  I just hope that those with the power to make the system changes, put their defences down, put their PR machinery aside, and take a good look at the regime they are running and ask themselves some good, hard questions about the impact they’re still having on people.  I can only hope.    I’d like to think I could come back to it some day in a different role, in a context where I could thrive and make a difference,  but I’ve got some work to do to build back up to the confidence levels that would require. There’s a way to go yet…  Meanwhile, I’m going to enjoy the change.

There is light….

 

 

 

 

 

86 comments

  1. Brilliant, immensely brave and intensely sad at the same time. Courage to speak out against this heinous situation is needed right now more than ever from leaders!

    I am sure this will resonate with so many and truly grateful for your candour.

    All the very best SIR 🙂

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  4. You’re right that it shouldn’t have to be like this. The country has become very much obsessed with a particular type of screwing down, tight, accountability system that places expectations on individuals for things over which they have no overall control. It’s supposed to be about quality, but it has the opposite effect. It doesn’t sort out the wheat from the chaff. Your leaving doesn’t represent a positive natural selection process and the profession loses out. Quality control needs to be done in an entirely different way.

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  5. Tom, this is a very brave and honest post. You are coming out of your darkest hour and soon will find a new and rewarding life. Being a red supporting Liverpudlian I always firmly believe in our anthem that at the end of a storm there is a golden dawn. You now need to find your new challenge. Best wishes and many thanks for your wise words

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  7. I find your articles inspirational and thus one especially so. The system is just so wrong and hopefully someone will realise this sooner rather than later. Thank you for your honesty. Best of luck for the future and please keep writing!

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  8. Your post was beautifully written and surprisingly moving.
    I’ve learnt from several of your blogs before and respect your approaches.
    Thank you for being so honest and eloquent, it is vital we share these messages and keep on trying to improve and humanise the system.

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  9. We’ve all seen good people’s careers ended unnecessarily by the whole inspection process. And it feels very close to home some days. Thank you for sharing this. It’s reassuring that you’ve found your light at the end of the tunnel.

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  11. Searingly honest. Thank you for sharing Tom. Difficult to read at times, moved me to tears. Why oh why do the powers that be assume getting rid of the Headteacher is the only solution? A poor inspection is rarely the fault of one individual. I really do hope that in time you can return to being a Headteacher, we simply cannot afford to lose good leaders.

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  12. Been there, done that…. you have my sympathies and support. Your post exactly matches my experience. Just returning to headship after several years in the “wilderness” – recovery has only been possible thanks to the support of friends, colleagues, family …. and a brilliant school which I should never have left to become a head for the first time!

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  13. The profession of school leaders needs us all to be this brave and this honest. You are spot on about the scrutiny and how how it can stop us from being the leaders we want to be. Thanks for your honesty & good on you for speaking up.

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  14. A very difficult post to write and took great personal strength to do so – perhaps you are not as ‘lucky’ as you would like to think – it’s more inner strength, grit and resilience than chance I would say. Keep going towards that light, it’s closer than you think and you have obviously overcome some enormous personal demons to make it this far…..

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  15. Absolutely brave and full of candor. This has moved me and will no doubt support my own reflection. Huge gratitude for this post x

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  16. One comment you made Tom about the system … I’m sure you have read, ‘ Black Box Thinking’ by Matthew Syed. Education is like the majority of the NHS, in so much as the thinking is that issues are flagged up from within and not ‘accepted’ by the system as a sign that system improvements need to be made. It’s easier to blame the Head and the system doesn’t change for the better. Heads will continue to be blamed until the system changes.

    You are better off out of it Tom, as no-one really cares if your health suffers. The king is dead, long live the king …

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    • Yes, great book to reference. You should have been supported to work through your mistakes. How else do we learn? Takes real courage to be a head, and governors et al should match that courage in developing their heads, rather than discarding them. Very disappointing that this seems to be a reaction to Ofsted. Progress 8 should be their first port of call when deciding on how well the leadership is doing and what support is needed.

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  19. Exceptionally honest post, Tom. Think you’re being too hard on yourself though. A school with 70% PP, where the HT is hugely inclusive and doesn’t off roll young people must be one of the toughest leadership challenges any HT is facing or has faced. You needed time and support; our system failed you.

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  20. Thank you for writing this moving and honest post. The system is rigged and uses heads as scapegoats. Glad you have found a way through. As you have so rightly said, the future will hold new and possibly much better things. Keep walking!

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  21. Hi Tom, a very honest testimony which I believe many leaders can identify with, but many classroom teachers can also find themselves even if on a different level or for different reasons. The system makes inclusive and quality education very challenging and it has lost the sight of what should matter most. Thank you

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  22. This is a terrific post, Tom, honest – searingly so – and brave. I’m glad that you are on the way out of the darkness. you are exactly right in what you say about the system. The focus and scrutiny on schools is relentless and too often not supportive.

    I feel sure you will find a way back into Headship – if that is what you ultimately want.

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  23. Having been through a similar situation and subsequent breakdown, I fully feel every emotion you have portrayed. I am beginning to see a light, a glimmer but am unable to see a way back into Education. I loved my pupils, my staff and yes, even the parents but the system ….
    And you for sharing its good to know you’re not alone!
    X

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    • Sadly this is too personally familiar – you and your blogs steered me through so many areas that required clarity, conversations, assemblies and interviews – still find it hard that you of all people could be in this position but there are forces in education that do not operate in the same way as us. I agree with the response here which is my biggest sadness – this was my world for 25 years upturned by a connection of only 3 months.Thank goodness we can stand up and say and know that our integrity is in tact. I wish you well Tom and am very pleased I still get to read your words of wisdom.

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  24. Reading and reflecting as a Chair of Govs. A terrible reminder of costly leadership in the current context, and angry that it is so. Agree with many of the comments above. Thanks for sharing, much to consider.

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  25. Thank you. I became a head for the first time same time you started at Highbury. I left same time as you. All of my dreams, confidence shattered. People who care about me seeing me slowly diminishing. Over the last few months I have met some incredible people who have encouraged me. I have a second headship starting in September and I feel excited and ready. But please don’t underestimate how much I have learned from your words and how much I value your views.

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  26. Your story was my story Tom. It takes time and people who know you and believe in you to help you know your new self and for you to take the time to redefine the new you. Trust me it’s better than ever ,because you’re so much wiser and abundant. What you have to offer is based on a far deeper understanding of why we’re in this business. .people matter first. Thank you for sharing. .you’ve made another difference today .

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  27. Wow- a really brave piece here. I’m sure there are lots of people who will find some (or all) of this familiar. As you say, there’s something intrinsically f£&#*d up about a system which simultaneously endlessly demands more and makes you worry you haven’t done enough. Glad you’ve been able to find some work- life balance.

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  28. Such a great piece. Thank you for having the courage to write this. As an acting Head in a straightforward school I am struggling (for the first time ever!) despite wonderful people around me. I worry for the system that a tougher school could chew me up – it is the system that is broken and someone needs to fix it so that good people can still thrive.

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  29. Very powerful. I wish you well in your future career and hope that you will have the opportunity to bring this learning to the role of headship.

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  31. What a brilliant, and sad reflection. As a mum, I feel it’s all gone crazily wrong in education. Leaders like you should be valued rather than made a scapegoat of. Wishing you lots of happiness for the future x

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  33. Oh Tom – my heart reaches out to you! Regardless of what has happened, you (alongside Kev, Stephen and John) made me believe that I could make a difference in senior leadership. Fast forward nearly 5 years on and I’ve just left a ‘good’ school to work as a DHT in a local school in special measures. I’ve learnt more in the past 6 weeks than I have in the past 12 months. But it’s scary. My colleagues think I’m crazy to have left a great school to go and work in a place with such uncertainty. But it’s not fair that two students stand at the same bus stop – one goes left up the road, while the other goes right – but receive such a different educational experience. Your blog has been inspirational to me and only last week I quoted you to my new colleagues during training: ‘What if there was no Ofsted? What would you do? Do that anyway.’ Thank you for all your words of wisdom. I hope you do return to being a HT as there are too many schools who need heads with such integrity.
    Debbie

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  34. Reading this excellent post, thank you for sharing… you make me want to do the same! Where it came to ‘Brave face at work; brave face at home – with just the occasional release’ I had to cry. Some 2014 tears, having had a similar experience being a head teacher in the Netherlands (!). Burn-out and the way back, help via good coaching, running, getting time and being stimulated, a divorce in 2015 (no support at home now, also no need to ‘brace face’, but well, I can’t recommend it)… and oh, do I get a chance to flourish now. Only just got an inspection visit (a couple of weeks ago), so now we’re GOOD. And we chose to get into trying to become an ‘excellent school’, a nice and encouraging project we’re teachers become proud of what we’ve built. When it comes to failure it’s me, when it comes to success it’s we… I read that with you too. For now I hope you realize the track takes you right out of the tunnel, and there with some light there’s good opportunities to enjoy growth. …and thanks again, having a rare -not so good night- and reading I had the chance to release the tears.

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  36. I too have just left primary Headship, after just 2 1/2 years. I totally understand the stress. Work/life balance was non existent too. Everything you said resonated stringly, including the shattered illusion of Education. However, I know I loved this job before and am determined I will again. Now starting a new adventure as a deputy next week!

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  37. Thanks for this honesty and openness. I have worked as a LA adviser and felt deeply for HTs and the pressure they live and work under. Whom do they turn to? Who listens to their genuine needs and concerns? Why can’t they say to someone ‘I need help. I am stuck’? School improvement becomes performance management whereas improving schools is much more nuanced and humane. I have always valued your posts and way of questioning and reflecting. Your focus always has been the people,young and old, in our schools. This can and must continue in your new life. Good luck!

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  39. As an Assistant Head who has suffered very similar treatment over historical issues, I too don’t know if I will return to teaching. I praise you for writing with so much honesty.

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  40. Thank you for the courage and honesty you’ve displayed in this post. It has given me pause to think about my own, very different struggles, and how I’m dealing with them.

    Though, we only worked together for a short time, you made a great impression on me, and continue to through your blog. Leaders are not made by the positions they hold, and you are surely an educational leader. In my career, I’ve yet to meet anyone with such a firm and clear grasp on what is needed to educate and guide students in a class room. The system will be better, if only incrementally through whatever contributions you make from here.

    I’m glad the light is appearing again for you. May it bring clarity of vision as to the paths ahead.

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  42. I think there will be hundreds, probably thousands, of Heads, Deputies and Assistant Heads in schools who will read this and recognise your experiences, feelings and reactions and think you are very brave to say it aloud. The system is chaotic, destructive and shameful, and we continue to press on and try to make the best of it and make it work. The pressure on teachers and leaders is expressed so eloquently in your words and it can not continue- committed, talented people are leaving the system in large numbers. It is time we spoke up, openly and honestly- as you have done.

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  43. This is a really powerful blog, Tom.

    I am a better leader because of my time with you at KEGS: you were insipirational then and still are now.

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  44. I wish you great success, and more importantly happiness, in your new endeavours! It takes courage to step into the light and speak up.

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  45. Thank you for being honest – articulating how many of us in headship feel. Too many people being judgemental instead of supportive – how has it come to this ? Good luck with your future plans .

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  46. Thank you for being honest – articulating how many of us in headship feel. Too many people being judgemental instead of supportive – how has it come to this ? Good luck with your future plans .

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  47. Thank you for being honest – articulating how many of us in headship feel. Too many people being judgemental instead of supportive – how has it come to this ? Good luck with your future plans .

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  48. Thanks for this. Having experienced something similar a few years ago your honesty and hope are comforting. It’s relieving to know one is not alone and the feelings and all the ups and downs are shared. I recovered by returning to the classroom – felt like semi-retirement as the pressure was so reduced.
    Enjoy living the life you have – it sounds good.

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  49. What an immensely brave piece Tom…I am now sitting here at home off sick, having Secondary progressive MS that has worsened over the past academic year being told by occupational health that I ought to take retirement on ill health. At the point I have aspired to, ready to take on headship Education is ready to “spit me out” having spent the last 20 years of a healthy self working stupid hours and thinking of everyone else’s children but my own.
    I’m not bitter (although I may sound it) but your piece resonates with me. By asking for help ( a “reasonable adjustment” if you like) you come across as weak ad a leader, or are scoffed at and told we don’t have resources/capacity etc. How did such an esteemed profession come to this, when we are too blind to help our fellow humans in a profession that moulds the next generation? What kind of system is this to put our Young people through when that system we work for cannot support the very people that drive it? I have always followed your blogs and learned so much from them as both a class teacher and a leader. I think we both need to be kinder to ourselves and reflect on the things we did do well, on the effectiveness we have had and the things we have learned from those processes both good and bad which will carry us through to the next chapter whatever that may be.
    I really wish you well. For me I can see a chink of light although it’s still a little darker than I would wish in here at the moment. Leadership teaches you about resilience, persistence, humility amongst many other habits of mind. We are armed with a toolkit that will ensure our continued success in whatever we choose to embark on…Good luck Tom X

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